angelicscars487

Confessions of a bi-polar

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 06:19:17 GMT

Like I said in my last post, I have been out of my medication for about a month and I am starting to feel the effects. It's been okay for the last week or so because I have just been kind of manic. I've been able to survive on only a few hours sleep, I have been far too energetic for my owe good. I keep putting off studying, because I'm convinced that I don't need to. I'm finally staring to come down from that. I am so moody over everything. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm almost in tears. Anyone only needs to say one thing tome and I flip out. I mean I'm a fairly angry person to begin with, but this is ridiculous. I got so frustrated with the Financial Aid office today that I called my mom and made her go talk to them. I was just so pissed off at them. I am freaking out because I haven't heard from someone in a few days. I normally don't really care. But it is such a big deal, my self-esteem rides on it. And I hate that. My self-esteem shouldn't depend on another person.

I really don't have much to talk about, just general bitching

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 03:03:26 GMT

I feel so isolated now. I've only left my house once this week to do anything and that was to go to school. It is snowing so bad I can't go anywhere. I have to ask people for rides now because my mom hit my car and smashed my tail light out. I've been out of my medication for a little over a month and I can feel the difference. I can't even get to the clinic to get my medication. I get upset over stupid things. My best friend's father died two weeks ago and it got me thinking about a lot of things. I am upset because I know my friend is upset. I feel really bad because I didn't know her dad that well and it's not affecting me as much as it should. I just called her and she put the phone down to go do her hair, and didn't come back. I'm almost crying because I just turned on "24 Hour Party People" and Ian Curtis just died. I'm so tired of having completely irrational thoughts. I'm getting better at remembering to write people, but everyone else has their own lives, and I'm not really a part of that anymore. It sounds really pathetic, but with as isolated as I am right now, that's really the only human contact I get. Everyday when I go to school, I walk around and people stare at me. Part of the reason I chose to go to a school 30 miles away instead of the school 15 miles away is I thought it would be a little more diverse. God I was so wrong. I am the closest thing to a punk/Goth/glam rocker there is. That is pretty horrid, considering I'm not any of those. I just wear combat boot. No one has talked to me the entire time I've been there. I've gotten to the point where I'm convinced that I could just disappear and no one would notice.

Bleeding hippies!

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 00:06:02 GMT

So last night, I went out with some people and got pretty drunk. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. Then I ended up having sex with a hippie. A HIPPIE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!! Any one who knows me knows my feeling on hippies. Oh, well. We do what we need to do. I don’t think he is going to talk to me again. And I’m fine with that. I don’t know why, but I am. It filled some strange emotional need for me, and now I don’t need him any more. It’s going to help me get over my obsessive infatuation and that is a good thing. Considering how long it’s been since anyone has shown any interest in me what so ever. It was nice to feel wanted even if it was only for a little while. I think I might be way more masculine than even I though. My last words as I left were “You don’t need to tell anyone about this.”

Imperfection

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 06:25:48 GMT

It has been determined that I am indeed an adult child. I’m not so sure that is such a bad thing. Yes there are aspects of my personality that I need to work on, but it helps with never growing up. There are some really awesome things about it, like how intensely I feel feeling. All the really beautiful things that make life worth living are so wonderful! On the same note, all the really shitty that make me want to die, and the shitty things definitely out number the great things. I still have an imagination to rival Steven Spielberg. The combination of these leads to a fun time. I don’t even need drugs. I can make myself believe anything, and then reality fucking slaps me in the face. I’m still not always the best judge of character in potential mates. All I need is a slightly pretty face and a little positive attention. Throw in my illnesses and “BAM!” who needs love when you have obsessive infatuation? Defiantly not me. I can just pretend that I’m in unrequited love, that I’m so persecuted, that I’m a hopeless romantic. I mean, fuck, what else are you suppose to do when one of the people of your dreams belongs to someone else?

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 18:11:58 GMT

Sometimes I just wake up and want to stab my boss in the fucking face with an ice pick. I’m a very, very angry girl. I’m angry about the fact that my life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted. I’m angry about the fact that I can’t be as happy as I should be. I’m really fucking pissed off about how lonely I am. The people that really accept me, that I trust, that I care about, all live far away from me. I know that a lot of the reasons for this are my fault, and I’m willing to take responsibility for what I do. I have a shitty job because I’ve never been to college to improve my “situation”. I’ve never been to college for a lot of reasons, way to many to list, a lot of them my fault. I’m really not as angry as every one perceives me to be. I just don’t put up with a lot of shit and I speak my mind. It’s like Ani Difranco said, “I am not a pretty girl
That is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distress
And I don't need to be rescued
So put me down punk
Maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
Isn’t there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
But it seems like I’ve got everyone fooled
Every time I say something they find hard to hear
They chalk it up to my anger
And never to their own fear
And imagine you're a girl
Just trying to finally come clean
Knowing full well they'd prefer you
Were dirty and smiling

And I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
And I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

And generally my generation
Wouldn’t be caught dead working for the man
And generally I agree with them
Trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
And I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
And I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
And what if there are no damsels in distress
What if I knew that and I called your bluff?
Don’t you think every kitten figures out how to get down
Whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
No I want to be more than a pretty girl” I’ve been having midlife crises since I was 17, they finally stopped, but now I’ve got all this bullshit to deal with. I wonder if everyone puts up with this, or if it’s just because I’m nuts. No one ever tells you about this kind of shit. Everyone paints the picture that you will grow up to be Barbie: beautiful, talented, rich, loved by everyone. Barbie perpetuates the unhealthy stereotype of the female persona. She teaches little children that they will never be good enough. Yes, she does have a multitude of jobs, but all girly jobs. I’ve never seen scientist Barbie, construction worker Barbie, Transgender Barbie. She has the perfect life, the perfect boyfriend, perfect house, car, body, family, etc. etc. That what we are given to play with as children. Then you grow up to be a fat Amazon with tacky fashion sense and a pension for Trannies and Little People. That goes over really well in rural America. Then you end up alone and fucking pissed off. God, I’m so Goth sometimes.

Now I remember Why I’m Socially Inept

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 03:15:11 GMT

Sometimes I think that people have an innate urge to mindfuck those they perceive as weaker. Maybe it’s just the people I know. I come from a world where everyone is very honest. We try to be tactful with those we love, but we don’t fuck with them. We’re just honest with each other. That always makes everything so much easier. Everyone knows where they stand, there’s never any guess work. I hate when people do one thing, and then say another. It makes me wonder if they are liars or just fucking batshit.

Burnouts

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 04:03:51 GMT

There is this guy at work that plays with himself. At his seat. Where everyone can see him. Then he fucking sniffs his hand when is done!! This guy is the epitome of burnout. I honestly think he either doesn’t realize what he is doing, or he doesn’t realize that we can see him. It makes me laugh very hard now, but the first time I saw him do that I almost threw up. I thought he was a fucking perv. Then I found out he’s just a fucking burn out.

Victoria's Secret

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 02:09:59 GMT

Yesterday my mother’s husband got a coupon from Victoria’s Secret for a free pair of panties and $10 off a bra. Why he is getting coupons for free panties and a bra is above me. Hmmm………… Let’s think about this for a few minutes? Oh, God!!! Let’s not think about that! The coupon was also an ad for “The Body” By Victoria. Heidi Klum models “The Body”. I was looking at the pictures and realized “Her nose makes me want to throw up”. Maybe I’m just jealous because she is a “supermodel” and I’m not, but her nose reminds me of Michael Jackson.
See what I mean?

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 06:15:14 GMT

I am so digging on Steve Burns right now. Yes, the Blue's Clues guy. He is an indie rocker now. A hot indie rocker. Yes...I'm one of those girls. But his music is actually pretty fun. It sounds kind of like the Flaming Lips or They Might Be Giants. Go check him out at www.steveswebpage.com or www.steveburnsrocks.us
By the way, the first member of a boy band came out of the closet today. Who did you have your bets on? It was............Lance Bass!!!
That Was A God Damn Surprise There.